There are so many things that I have learned from this journey on our autism walk. There are so many blessings I try to recognize and count even when its hard to find joy in the moment. Autism is so much more than a diagnosis. Its a different way to look at things, its a mind that works in its own way on its own time. I was a parents for nearly 8 years before our youngest came along and in that time, I thought I understood. Now I can say perhaps I will never completely understand life but I am learning more living life with my youngest child. She's not only teaching me but my entire family and those whose lives she touches.
That all being said sometimes autism is hard. Sometimes its awful. Sometimes I hate certain aspects of it and this weekend reminded me of one.Sickness.
Saturday night, as my little love finished a busy day playing outside, I watched as our bathtub turned black and the joy she found digging turned my white tub into a mud puddle. While she played, I watched and she to shiver. Realizing she had been in the sun most of the day, I figured she was chilled and wanted warm pajamas to make her night better.
While she rested in my arms, I had a hunch. Perhaps she was getting sick.
"Do you feel okay?" I asked.
"Yes." She answered.
And so I finished my night and tucked her in. That night however, I couldn't sleep. I woke. I wondered. Was she sick? Did she understand what feeling okay way? I just knew. Something wasn't right. So quietly I slipped into her bed, cradled her and woke to the beautiful sunrise and felt the warmth emanating from its glory. Except, it wasn't the sun. It was her.
I knew it. I had trusted my mom instinct and realized that she doesn't yet have the ability to know when she is sick.
So, yesterday at day break began my vigilant watch to identify what she needed and what she had. A fever. That was all I could surmise but getting meds into her little body is like wrangling a full sized alligator. So I considered other options. Water. Sips. I didn't want her sick. Juice. Sugar that may cause her to want to eat. Popsicle treats that would cool her temps and give her the fluid she needed to fight. All day when I tried to move, she yelped begging me to return and so I diligently sat in bed, with her, unable to move and when I did to face her stink eye when I returned.
At my wits end, yesterday I shared on an autism page that I HATE when my child who has autism is sick. She can't identify what it is but I know she needs my help. She doesn't understand why she feels sick and moans in her sleep and while awake begging "mommy help me". I am helpless.
Today was no different, in fact even worse. Today she began to vomit and my heart was in my throat as I realized she didn't even know to flip over and began to choke on her own vomit. Its something every new mom fears but honestly, I thought I was past that stage. I didn't even think to be worried about her choking on her own sick.
There is so much I take from Autism and use to grow myself and my family. There is so much that I cherish because its helping our family to be gentler, kinder and softer but still there are parts I just can't stand. They just aren't fair. In fact, I hate them.
Sickness is one of them.
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