Sunday, June 3, 2018

Dear Friend, I Understand.

Its the end of the school year and administrators are sitting with teachers working to create the best classes for the coming year. Its no easy task with children who have individual likes and dislikes as well as their own little minds, teachers are called to carefully consider teaching style, classroom make ups an of course those kiddos with extra needs. This year, I sit on the other side of the table and I am the parent who understands my child, with autism may be placed in your class. I have heard a few "friends" of mine have requested they not be with my child or children like mine, and I want you to know, I understand.


I do.

Friend, I remember being in your shoes, when my first born was placed in the inclusion class. I worried about her. I worried she may say the wrong thing. I worried she may not get the attention she needed. I worried that the child with disabilities may impact my child negatively, and I sat back and watched that year as she lived and learned through being in the that class, that class that had kids with identified needs and children whose needs were identified through the year. I can tell you that she was not the only one who learned, I learned too.

I learned that having a child in an inclusion class CAN and will mean that my child may have to wait a little longer, they may have to progress a little slower and they may struggle with frustration at times but I learned how these lessons can be valuable.

I learned that sometimes I would be in the classroom for parties or to help out (I was the room mom that year) and I may be scared or overwhelmed at times with other children's behaviors or lack of self control but I also learned that it made me a better mother. I learned to have more understanding and empathy for what that parent was going through. I also learned how lucky I was to have a fairly typical child.

My child took away valuable lessons that she has carried with her today. She is often looked to as a partner or a leader because of her ability to work with children who are differently abled and what an honor it is to have a parent of a special needs child email, call or stop me and thank me for her kindness because truly, that first year, that year with the inclusion class is the reason she is who she is today.

Recently I have learned of more than one of my "friends" who don't want their children in inclusion class. Perhaps its for similar reasons that I held in my heart. Perhaps you have your own reasons. Either way, I want you to know I don't judge. I live with my daughter and I know just how hard it is to be with her. I know how scary it is when she's having a difficult melt down and that she can overwhelm other children and adults when she loses self-control, I get it but I do want to tell you a little about her.

Like you carried your child, I carried her, I was blessed to carry her full term. Like you, I rocked her, nursed her and held her close. Like you, I had my own dreams and hopes for her. I had ideas for who she was and what she was going to be. Like you, I imagined that she would be amazing. She would obviously dance at 2, play soccer at 4 and would be smart just like her father. Sadly, my dreams were not realized as easily as I had hoped but what I will also tell you is living the last 4 years with my child has made me a better person than I ever was before her. I have become a better mother, wife and friend. Her struggles and her issues have made me a better daughter, teacher and support. I have become a better coach, I have become a better person, because of her and mostly because of her disability.

I will also tell you about her siblings. They have learned to be selfless-because of her. They have learned not to fear children unlike themselves and how to embrace them. They are the first kids to comfort, console or CHOOSE to be with children with disabilities. I get calls, emails and have face to face conversations with teachers, therapists and parents that thank me and it was nothing I taught them, it was their sister. Those calls, those emails and those conversations are so much more valuable to me than grades on a piece of paper that mean nothing after school concludes and they become the leaders of tomorrow.

So friend, I understand. I understand that if you learn your child has been placed in my daughters class you may be scared or even worse, you may call and ask your child be placed differently. I get it. Its scary. I don't judge you. That being said, I will tell you, if you choose to pull your child from that class, you will be missing out. You will be missing out on your child learning valuable life lessons that will not only impact them during the coming school year but you will be missing out on your child learning valuable lessons that they will carry with them long after we are no longer walking this earth. If I were you, I would take the opportunity that the inclusion class offers. The opportunity to grow, the opportunity to flourish, the opportunity to live a better life for having a disabled child in it.

Still, if you choose that that class is not right for your child you, I understand. I get it. I don't judge but I urge you to take a moment to teach your child compassion, empathy and understanding because you see, school isn't just about books or tests as much as the outside world would like you to believe. School is about growing in knowledge that is both academic and empathetic and what better way to learn than to practice it each day?


  1. Thank you Laurieann, this journey is so important to share. Our world is evolving and these kiddos with different abilities are at the heart of my heart!

  2. Hey Ellie,

    It's me, Melin, from Beach Haven. This was brilliantly said, about what it means to be in an inclusion class.

    I'd like to remind people that second choice does NOT equal second best. Serri, my daughter, other's with learning differences - it goes much deeper than simply including them or tolerating them. That's how I behave when a friend shows up with a pet I don't like. I politely tolerate the pet.

    Rather, wise people would embrace them. Wise people would celebrate them. Wise people would know that differently challenged people have something valuable to contribute even if their "valuable" doesn't seem like your idea of important. In that event, your idea of value may be all wrong.

    For instance, I'm pretty sure your daughter is one of the least judgmental kids in her class. I'm pretty sure your daughter is the most honest and transparent kid in her class. I'm pretty sure your kid is not intentionally selecting friends who are rich or have the best toys or fanciest beach house. I'm pretty sure your kid is not mean spirited when another kid does better on their school work. I'm pretty sure your kid is in the here and now - present for what is happening and not always in the past or strategizing the future. I'm pretty sure your daughter's joy can be simple and uncomplicated: either play with her or leave her alone or a combination of both. I'm pretty sure she is not secretly planning to manipulate to get her way later in the day. I'm pretty sure she doesn't girl gossip. I'm pretty sure you don't constantly wonder about how she REALLY feels in the moment. She knows her mind and will let you know it, too. I'm pretty sure your girl is not truly envious of other kids as much as she is eager to have the same experience (toys, free time, clothes) or whatever.

    I do not understand how anybody can believe there is something fundamentally superior about their child. Consider how God must laugh, how that attitude mocks God. The Creator of the Universe is not impressed by a first grader reading on a sixth grade level or the 9 year old tri lingual child or the kid with a future in the olympics. It's hubris.

    God doesn't explain eveything to the most brilliant among us. Why? Because it would be like teaching calculus to a baby. Useless. We'd never get it.

    So when people think extra IQ points, or exceptional beauty matter - I think they are among the dumbest people I know.

    Let's get together - you, me, Aunt Lisa, your dear friend and our kids.

    Yours on the Journey,


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